Untitled #1

Iiiii-Iiiii-I saw you first

Is it a dream?

Is it a dream?

We made awkward eye contact as we started bouncing to the music. Perhaps awkward isn’t the right word. There was a sort of… shyness (yeah, that’s perfect) to the way we looked at each other. Smiling, we partially faced one another and belted out the opening lyrics. Neither of our voices could be heard over the rumble and shake of the band three feet from our noses.

Thinking about it now, that moment was so telling about our relationship. A clear attraction. Some sort of… desire that neither of us could really put into words. How could we, given the situation? We’re friends, we’d both say. At least, that’s what we said when we were together. But, even now, nobody could deny the sparks flying between us, especially not that night. Fact is: the whole scene seemed strange in a way… Foreign and floating. Dream-like as though processed in a drunken stupor.

Pulling up to the venue, we both thought we were lost. Not yet accustomed to the new city, she didn’t know the area, and I had just been following my phone. This was clearly not a concert hall, nor even a bar. Not a sound to be heard. Just the bitter cold wind slipping in and out of every crevice it could find. The part of town seemed completely residential, and even for indie concert, this felt out of place. Snagging a spot between a lines of cars, we got out.

In the rush of the song, I put out my hand and she grasped it tight, squeezing my still cold fingers. Twirling her around and around, we danced and hopped and jumped like children, for the moment, lost in the other.

Taking a break from our search, we sat on the iced-over sidewalk. I asked her about school. How she liked it so far. She gave me pretty terse responses. Sometimes we’d just look at each other. I did most of the talking. At least, I recall it that way. I could sense something elusive about her… Unspoken. Maybe she was just too young. Didn’t know what to say to me. But, despite the lack of conversation, we moved in a fluid motion. Nothing sexual about it. I think there was simply a tacit understanding between us. Call it attraction, I’m not sure. I want to believe it was something else. Something more than just the physical. Things experienced and felt deep down.

But, just like that, it was gone. Retreating into herself like lost and confused prey, she let go of my hand. As though remembering who she was and who I was. I felt the stark coldness of the room when she let go. Despite all the dancing and loud music and people in a crowded space, I could feel the bitter wind sneaking its way into the basement through the cracks in the walls and windows of the dilapidated building. Soon that cold would seep into my eyes and ears, mouth, genitals, scars… Finding any way to fill me up till I was frozen solid.

I left early the next morning before she woke up. I haven’t seen her since. She wanted it that way.