So, for the rest of that Thursday, I just sat in the mall and charged my phone and battery packs and read my book. I wasn't in a rush, but once I started looking into what to do next... I, for lack of better understanding, panicked. I'm not sure if it was exhaustion, hunger, or both... Or just me being overwhelmed and alone in a new environment.
Because this is a personal blog, I'm assuming that my friends etc know this about me, but that immense sense of just being sucked into a vortex. It's the same feeling that Dr H diagnoses (I think accurately) as ADD where you can't focus on any one thought. You're worried or stressed, but your mind can't focus and address each issue at a time so everything just spirals out of control and builds up and snowballs until you feel like you're suffocating and can't think due to the sheer amount of... Okay, I'll stop with the run-on, I think the point has been grammatically proven.
Anyways, I tend to get like this when travelling alone. The same happened in India (though my personal life situation just may have gotten in the way of that) and even at times in Chile. However, the thing is... I really like travelling alone. I think that backpacking like this has been fucking awesome. I mean... It's also fucking sucked a lot too. But... I run my own agenda. If I fuck up, it's just me, which I have to either fix or just be okay with. I don't have any unnecessary fights. If I'm grumpy and need to eat, I need to just do that. I have to look out for me. And I've met some pretty fucking cool people when on my lonesome. Plus, I sound pretty bad ass when I tell people what I'm doing. People respect it. I don't know how tangibly I can describe such things, but people respect want I'm doing. Because it's for me, I think.
However, because I'm not staying in hostels (rather I'm saving by sleeping in the outdoors) and not too many people speak English here (and I obviously can't speak Nipponese)... It just increases the sense of loneliness I feel. Sure, I could try harder to find people. I know all that shit well enough, but the thing is that I'm good at that shit. And I'm in a great place in my personal life. I'm meeting a ton of new people... But that's exactly my point... Despite all that... There's something there. Something disturbing the water.
Honestly, I think it's a mix of having a totally different situation than I did in Chile, some stuff that came up right before leaving, and my ex contacting me out if the blue, again.
Anyways, I'm more or less feeling good, besides the massive blister I just popped on my foot. I'm not really sure why people would want to read this... I mean, yeah my ex and parents I guess... But, I try to post the good photos on socials... This just seems like a lot of day to day minutia and me getting lost in thoughts. I don't even check if y'all are reading it.
❤
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